Thank you, thank you , thank you. I still don't understand how I mean so much to some of you or why; but it is not my time to understand because all of you accept me for who I am and for what I am. The good Lord brought me here and in his time he will let me understand. HE brought all of the people in this group not only to me but to each other and the funny thin is that we are scattered all over the globe and come from all walks of life, jobs, backgrounds, beliefs, up-bringing, and much much more. One of our common bonds is to help each other and all of you have me while I was in a very low point and a very bad mental and emotional place. Our other Common bond is this thing we call Chiari and how it wreaks havoc on us that have it and those of us who care for people who have it. I can not thank you enough for being there for me when I was down; thank you for all of the support and prayer and encouraging words.
I would like to share with you some personal history about myself especially being reflective and critical of myself during this time. As you know as most of us were with loving families, working, playing and doing what we wanted on our terms then CM came ruins our lives faster than a card house falls, but of course that is not what I wanted to share. I wish to share why after reflecting what caused such a meltdown. Being born in 1971, I was raised in a highly chauvinistic (SP) yet proper house. It including opening the door for ladies and the elderly, proper use of manners and respect, and old fashioned beliefs such as the man provides and takes care of his family no matter what he has to do, a man will not ever cry for crying is a sign of weakness and weak men are not real men in addition to not crying any display of emotion was wrong with the exception of celebrating positive, birthday, births of kids, weddings,etc. Also had the children will not speak unless spoken to and many more. But look what I underlined. This is what effects me the most even though I know it is not true it is these teaching that wreak the most havoc and I think explain what is making this low point so hard to get out of. hen I get the way I was feeling, I felt like a little kid again and that these believes were the truth and since I was unable that equaled me with failure. Now add to the fact that I was in the Marine Corps for 8 years and we need not go into how or what they think of failure, cause I am coming out of it and I think part of it is the belief of perseverance that they drill into our heads. Your kind words thoughts and prayers were the major factor into coming out. Talk about a the proverbial slippery slope dilemma. I felt the deck as well as life was stacked against me.
AS I stated that I quit taking my meds, and some of you read between what I didn't say of that I shut out my family and the people who care about me. I felt like I didn't need anybody or anything (for all of the wrong reasons). I also felt like that all of you have suffered and went through way much more than I have and that I didn't have the right to complain. I felt that you guys were untouchable because you have overcome so much and still accomplish way more than I will or I ever have.
After reading all the comments I started to cry myself and thank God for all of you and your prayers or who knows how this could have or would have turned out.
Now time for some positive thoughts and the first one I would like to share with all of you (because it is about you) has been on my mind all day and after reading the comments I know why.
Love is more than hearing the words I LOVE YOU. Love is given and found in ways I have yet to comprehend, but love is knowing that someone you have never met and probably will never meet (until we connect in our support group in the sky) wants the best for you and the people whom you care for. Love is the gentle hug you feel when no one is around and hearing "I've got you and it is OK. I've been there and I'll help you get through it." Love is the teddy bear I cried into last night why screaming inside "WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?" and feeling the teddy bear hug back and say hush, sleep, there is the light. Hope is close and people need you. Love also ca be strict and demand more of us than we ask of our selves, when it does this though it pays back high dividends and rewards that never knew were there.
I believe in the love all of you showed came through last night and help me pull through and stopped me from doing something very stupid.
The final one is Family.
Family is a group of people who may or may not have met who are connected by a common bond. Without that bond family is nothing, it is but a single piece if string that breaks easily. With that common bond that single string become a thick rope that does not fail during a challenge or adversity. IT does not break even when great force is applied. This bond has been tested through the fiery ring, though charred it is still unbreakable.
You guys are my family which I love. Maybe one day we will meet, maybe we will, but know that there is a place in my heart for all of you.