Carers Intention

We have just recently sold our house for a much smaller place that is easier to maintain.We have made a small difference in price to our advantage, but my wife now tells me that she would like,and is, taking a three week holiday in Greece with a girlfriend that we both know.She does needs a break ,but at the same time I don`t ask a lot of her to do things for me.I try to be as independent as I possibly can be, but I do need help.

Does this seem odd behaviour as she has not found an alternative to help me while she is away,and my medical problems are increasing.?I also know from articles I`ve read on this site,that Chiari and other related conditions can drive loved ones further apart.I get the feeling that this is happening to me.All the medical appointments and medications,not to mention the days and nights of pain and lack of sleep can take a huge toll on a relationship.

I would like to ask the question.Does, or has this happened to anyone else.Has Chiari driven their partners apart?

Putty, I can see why you have those questions. I think I would be feeling much the same way. My marriage is not well, in fact we do not even live together at this point. A lot of our problems get blamed on my health woes, but I think the weakness was always there for us. My husband has a lot of anger towards me for all the things I no longer do…running together, keeping a regularly cleaned house, dinner made every night, etc…he believes that I have been in pain, but he doesn’t buy into the Chiari or CCI diagnosis and thinks I have been “shopping for a surgeon who will sell me another surgery.” I get that his life is different than it was and not what he thought he was signing up for, There is definitely something to that. He also thinks he has been very supportive- but I just don’t see it. I, on the other hand am angry at him for the lack of support and continued criticizing. We are in counseling. My advice is to keep the lines of communication open and get into counseling as soon as you can. A crisis in a marriage can bring all the cracks and weaknesses to the surface but doesn’t mean there no hope for the relationship- some marriages come out stronger. I do know for sure, though, that sparse communication leads to snowballing problems.

Please know what you are going through is truly difficult, but it’s not your fault. I believe you are doing the very best you can, I assume you probably push yourself past your limits for the sake of not inconveniencing your wife and family. If circumstances were reversed would you help your wife the same? You are a good person and caring family man. Remember and think about all of the things you DO and that you are not defined by a few things you can’t do.

Hugs, jenn

Thanks for the support and advice.I can always depend on you ,even when I`m wrong or right.

I have always had the feeling that my wife does not, or will not try to understand Chiari and that she thinks I use it as an excuse for a lot of things eg.not being able to make it for a particular outing or something to that effect.I have always tried to maintain our house ,which absolutely physically broke me,but I knew that it needed doing.I think that she thought that if I could do this ,then Chiari can`t be all that bad.My wife and son minimise Chiari so they can feel better for letting me do the things I do,but I know they have no concept of what it`s like to have this as well as the connective tissue problem.But I think that it is something I will have to accept, or let her move on.Thanks again for the advice.I know that someone cares.

Putty, it could be that your wife feels so helpless with your condition that she reacts inappropriatly. She may feel anger instead of Feeling the underlying issue. My husband is starting to figure out that this has been at the heart of his anger and benevolence. Nykkis hub is avoiding being connected,for an entirely different reason (and much more acceptable in my book), but we don’t know until we’ve turned all the stones. I think counseling could only improve communication and understanding. It will also show her that your marriage matters. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, spousal support would mean the world, and when we don’t get it, it feels hopeless. I wish I knew why it when it rains it pours. Don’t throw in the towel, you deserve to be heard and be supported by your wife.


Thank you Nykki and Jen.For some reason I do feel very alone at this time,but as I read other peoples issues ,some of which are new to this site,I feel that at least I have traveled a lot further down the Chiari road,and I feel for them as they try to find all the things you need to survive this terrible trip.I even hope I can give them some useful support,but I think I have enough on my own plate at this time.Thanks again everyone,I am truly blessed to have you help me and understand my situation and not judge me ,as some family members and doctors have done.Once again,Thanks.